Family gatherings is a happy time when your family has a perfect opportunity to say once again (since last Christmas you may have forgotten) , that it is high time to start a serious relationship, perfectly if it is sanctified. And to remind you dear Kate or Mary that it is not your look which scares potential partners away. Stop concentrating on your career, it is time to grow up and establish a family. All your friends, even those not too pretty are already married. Even if you realize that behind those good advices are only care about you, you anxiously wait the moment when the gathering is over. But what is worse, you take those questions with you and start wondering, why me, why everyone else is happy and in love? Why it is me who still cannot find a partner. What is wrong with me?

When my marriage ended up in bruises, I had a feeling that everyone around me is happy apart from me. I was looking with envy at old couples, families with children. I was staring at shining windows at nights imaging all those loving people behind them. It seemed that everyone has a good, fulfilled life. Everyone, except me. And of course it is not true…

All that glitters is not gold

First and foremost, drum into your head that it is not true that all other people are happy and only you are not. Stating the obvious, you are not the only one not in the relationship and what is more not all those people in relationships are that happy. Good, happy, mature relationships are unfortunately exceptions not rules. If you look closely to the real couples (not the one from romantic comedies) you will see that almost everywhere something is not working that perfectly. In some cases it is hard not to wonder why these people are still together? Even so called “children sake” is not enough reason to be in a relation where people obviously hate each other. Everyone had probably at least once a doubtful pleasure to witness a fight of a couple, who was publicly without any embarrassment viciously shouting at each other, treating friends as an audience for their spectacle, or even worse as a judges who are supposed take sides. So when you think about all those couples around you, do you have in mind that?

It seems that, if you are single you may consider yourself very lucky, because you, in contrary to all those in messy relationships, need to make only one step to be in a relationship: find the right person. While all those who are stuck in unhappy marriages, need to wade through ocean to get to the point where you are. They need to realize that something is really wrong with their relationship (the most difficult part), look for possible solutions, try to fix it or just go away, and finally go through a mourning period. It is a long and hard journey. I know because I went through it. From the moment when my marriage started shaking to the time when I was ready to start new relationship lasted three looong years.

He just needs to wear trousers?

When I was single, one of my friends gave me a valuable advice: it does not matter, what he is like (my potential partner, of course), if he just wears trousers. I got stuck for a moment, to be honest at that time I had trouble imagining that I can live alone, but still even then I was convinced that is does matter what he is like. And the fact that he wears trousers does not make a partner of him.

I sometimes got a feeling that we take part in some kind of social game. First you hear all around that it is high time to start a serious relationship. So we try as hard as we can to find somebody who at least partially fits our expectations, rest we try not to see. Once we are married we hear all around that it is time for a baby and a second baby, straight away to be a perfect family. And then when you finally appear on a family gathering with this husband, chosen in a hurry, who does not remind your dream partner at all, and with those sweet children who you love deeply, and who need your attention and service constantly, you can feel that now you fit the society perfectly. You can complain on your husband, you can shout at your children. You are a real adult.

It makes me crazy that some people focuses only on how fast you will find a partner and not that much on if he is a good person. I would love to hear from my aunt or uncle what do they consider as the most important thing in their relationship. What is the most difficult? What do they love about each other today? What would they like to change? Maybe I could learn from their experience.

Finding a partner is not a short distance run. It is good to get to know new people (https://iamsgl.org/en ), going outside of your everyday circle, going on trips, taking part in conferences. Have your eyes wide open and be patient. Rest should take care of itself.